If you happen to’re a single man who needs a loving, lasting relationship — however you’re bored with courting, uncertain the place to look, or quietly questioning if it’s even attainable anymore — you’re not alone.
I’ve spent greater than 50 years working with males and their households, and I’ve heard numerous variations of the identical quiet fact: “I need actual love… however one thing’s not working.”
It’s not that these males don’t have one thing to supply. Fairly the alternative. Many are form, considerate, smart, emotionally conscious. They’ve lived full lives. They’ve taken dangers. Some have been married earlier than. Some have stayed single. Most have performed a good quantity of internal work.
So, what’s the problem?
The Unstated Actuality of Aware Males and Trendy Courting
Males have been raised with a really totally different set of messages about love, masculinity, and vulnerability. For years, we have been taught to be self-sufficient, rational, and in management. We have been hardly ever taught talk emotional fact — or maintain area for one more’s.
And now we’re navigating a courting tradition that always feels transactional or shallow. Add to that the strain of placing your self on the market — after all of the life that’s already been lived — and it’s no surprise so many males really feel discouraged or hesitant.
However right here’s the factor:
Wanting love isn’t a weak spot.
Desirous to be seen, understood, revered, and cherished isn’t “needy.” It’s human. And there are ladies on the market who need the very same factor.
Males get blended messages from ladies. It appears that evidently ladies need vulnerability however usually don’t know maintain area for males’s emotions. And on the identical time, males wish to present, however ladies don’t at all times know talk what they need. (They weren’t skilled to ask or share how a person can present for them.)
In my ebook, The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Levels of Relationship and Why the Finest is Nonetheless to Come, I shared a few of my very own relationship historical past previous to assembly my spouse, Carlin.
“Like everybody else on the face of the planet, I’ve needed actual, lasting love. And like everybody on the face of the planet I’ve not discovered these phrases — Actual, Lasting, Love — straightforward to achieve.”
Like many I grew up with a perception about love and marriage that was easy:
Step 1: Discover that particular somebody, your soulmate, and fall in love.
Step 2: And so they lived fortunately ever after.
However actual life isn’t like the films, as individuals know who go to my web site, MenAlive.com and watch my welcome video: Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor. What’s worse, the on-line courting world, the place an increasing number of individuals go to discover a associate, perpetuates the issue.
In a really highly effective dialogue with entrepreneur, investor, and podcaster, Steven Bartlett, behavioral scientist Logan Ury, and professor Scott Galloway, they level out that on-line courting makes connecting almost inconceivable for males.
“If the courting ap is a membership,” says Ury, “you might have bouncers that maintain most males out. Many ladies within the U.S. repair their peak filters at six ft, however solely 14% of males are six ft tall or greater. What occurs to the opposite 86%? Ladies complain: ‘The place’s my particular man?’ However they aren’t even exhibiting up on as a attainable selection.”
What I Suggest to Males In search of Aware, Romantic Love
If you happen to’re prepared for a significant relationship — not simply somebody to go the time with, however a associate to develop with — right here’s what I usually recommend to the lads I work with:
1. Be prepared to heal what’s nonetheless tender.
Irrespective of how a lot work we’ve performed, relationships stir the components of us which can be nonetheless susceptible — previous wounds, disappointments, or beliefs we picked up way back. If you happen to’ve skilled heartbreak, betrayal, or extended isolation, it’s vital to satisfy these experiences with compassion, not judgment. Therapeutic isn’t about perfection — it’s about exhibiting up entire and trustworthy.
2. Make clear what issues most to you now.
We modify. What we needed in our 20s or 30s may not serve us now. Take time to mirror on what sort of partnership actually helps the life you wish to stay. Shared values, emotional security, bodily affection, religious connection — get clear in your priorities.
3. Don’t attempt to do it on their own.
Too many males assume they should determine it out on their very own. I can’t let you know what number of breakthroughs have come when a person merely has an area to be trustworthy — with himself and others. Whether or not it’s a therapist, males’s group, or retreat setting, discover locations the place you’ll be able to discover who you might be nowwith out strain to carry out.
4. Observe being open, even when it feels awkward.
Actual love requires danger — not recklessness, however emotional danger. Which may imply expressing curiosity, sharing your fact, or saying “I’m undecided, however I’m prepared to search out out.” The extra genuine you might be, the extra probably you might be to draw somebody who’s aligned with you, not a efficiency model of you.
5. Maintain your coronary heart open to shock.
Love doesn’t at all times present up the best way we anticipate it to. Keep open to the likelihood that your associate might look totally different than your guidelines — or arrive via sudden channels. Keep curious and resist the temptation to contract into certainty or resignation.
If you’re in search of a long-term, wholesome, romantic relationshipI’d encourage you to take a look at a Retreat that provides one thing actual.
That’s why I’m sharing with you a chance: the Aware Singles Retreat, taking place June 20–22, 2025close to Ashland, Oregon.
This isn’t a fast repair or matchmaking occasion. It’s a robust expertise created by two individuals I do know and belief — Pleasure Taylor, LMT and Gavin Frye, MFT — who met two years in the past via SpiritualSingles.com, fell in love, married, and are actually sharing their journey to assist others find aware partnership.
Pleasure and Gavin deliver a long time of expertise in psychotherapy, embodiment, teaching, and religious follow. Collectively, they maintain a deeply respectful area the place individuals can:
- Step away from the noise and reconnect with themselves.
- Have interaction in significant conversations about intimacy, self-trust, and love.
- Expertise somatic and mindfulness practices to scale back nervousness and open the guts.
- Spend time in nature with others who’re additionally in search of a real, mutual relationship
- Meet some superb kindred spirits.
The setting is gorgeous. The group is deliberately small and intimate. The method is deeply human.
They have already got 15 ladies signed up — and simply 2 males. And whereas this isn’t uncommon (ladies usually reply first to this type of providing), it presents an actual alternative for males who’re prepared.
Why This Issues
I consider that when males heal, relationships heal. When relationships heal, households heal. And when households heal, the world begins to shift.
There’s no disgrace in wanting connection. There’s no disgrace in wanting to like and be beloved.
Typically we simply want the proper area to recollect what’s attainable — and the proper individuals to stroll with us.
And also you by no means know, chances are you’ll meet somebody on the retreat. From what I’ve heard, it occurred final 12 months – Cupid’s arrow struck.
I really feel blessed to have gone alone retreat a few years in the past and met my spouse, Carlin. She and I’ve been collectively now for forty-five years. I hope you are taking the chance to take a look at this excellent alternative to expertise a retreat that may change your life for good. Test it out right here. You’ll be glad you probably did.
If you happen to’d like to listen to extra about me and my work, be at liberty to go to me at MenAlive.com.
