From Fearing the Unknown to Being Excited About It

I was afraid of the unknown.

Now, I’m enthusiastic about it.

I didn’t plan for that shift, however right here I’m, unexpectedly.

For so long as I can bear in mind, I craved certainty. I assumed that if I simply knew what was coming, I might preserve myself and others secure.

It wasn’t only a character trait. It was survival.

Rising up in a house the place a temper might shift with out warning, the place love might really feel unpredictable, I turned geared up to anticipate all the pieces. The necessity to know wasn’t curiosity… although I used to be born curious and nonetheless occur to be… however rising up, it was additionally a type of safety. If I might simply guess what model of somebody I’d get that day, possibly I might preserve the peace. Possibly I might keep away from the surprising final result.

So I turned hungry for the main points: What’s the plan? What’s the route? Who’s going? What are we consuming? What’s on this? Why is that occuring?

Later, in life, when anxiousness took over in additional seen and recognized methods, my life with panic assaults started. At their worst, they took over my sense of actuality. I discovered security in very particular issues, like aisle seats, open exits, understanding what number of prepare stops till my vacation spot, what precisely was in my meal…

There was a time I couldn’t eat something unfamiliar. Even a wonderfully regular dish like asparagus risotto that I’ll have eaten 100 instances earlier than might spiral me into worry: What if at this time I’m allergic?

I wanted certainty to really feel secure. Something unsure and unknown felt harmful.

Even in love, that worry formed me. I can now see that one of many causes my final relationship triggered me so deeply is that, from the start, it was outlined by the unknown. Sooner or later, he was there. Then gone. Heat, then chilly. Current, then distant. His love felt unsure.

I didn’t realise it on the time, however the silence, the emotional gaps, the house, all of it mirrored what I grew up with. It reminded my physique that love was unpredictable, one thing that might shift or worse disappear with no warning or actual cause.

So I held on tougher. Searched deeper. Learn extra. Noticed, tiptoed, made myself smaller and smaller. Anxiously tried to decode what was by no means going to really feel safe, not as a result of I used to be “an excessive amount of,” however as a result of my physique was attempting to maintain me secure.

I’ve had one of many hardest, most complicated, unsure, and emotionally layered years of my life. The previous few months, after I thought I ought to be higher, or have gotten higher by now… my well being acquired shaky, the issues that felt regular felt extra unsteady than ever. I questioned all the pieces: the place I’m going, and what I’m doing, what any of it’s or means.

And in making peace with not feeling okay… I began to really feel extra okay than I ever have.

Then, one thing completely surprising occurred. Lastly. Naturally. Unknowingly. Uncertainly.

And I swear to you, it wasn’t one thing I pressured or faked to really feel.

One morning, I awakened… so excited.

Not for any cause. Not due to an individual or a message or a plan.

Simply… excited.

And joyful.

For the day.

For nothing.

For all the pieces.

Then I awakened the subsequent day and felt the identical.

And the subsequent. And the subsequent.

Since then, hand to my coronary heart, I can let you know that I’ve woken up excited, regardless of how the night time earlier than ended, it doesn’t matter what the day holds, whether or not I’ve nothing or many issues to stay up for.

I wasn’t a method. I wasn’t repeating affirmations. I wasn’t distracting myself from ache. I wasn’t attempting to manifest pleasure.

It simply… confirmed up. Naturally.

Like breath returning after holding it too lengthy.

And with it got here one thing even deeper: peace.

That peace I attempted so arduous to power out of myself by greater than a 12 months of therapeutic… it simply appeared. And I don’t assume I ever actually knew what peace felt like till that second.

Even now, as I write this, I’m nonetheless in a pool of uncertainty. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t know the place I’m going. I don’t understand how the subsequent 12 months will unfold. I do know nothing.

However I additionally really feel clearer than ever about what I do need.

My birthday is in simply over two weeks, and for the primary time in my life, I had no certainty about it forward of time. I had concepts and choices, however each one in every of them got here with some uncertainty I couldn’t management. Usually, that might have despatched me spiralling. I might have made it imply one thing about me, my price, my friendships, and even about being forgotten or alone.

However this time… it didn’t. And I didn’t.

I didn’t push or panic.

I didn’t take the delays personally.

I didn’t rush to regulate the end result.

I simply… waited. And trusted. And knew that both method, with or with out… something or all the pieces… my birthday exists, and it’ll matter.

As a result of I care. As a result of it issues to me.

And since uncertainty not feels unsafe.

I used to assume peace meant lastly having solutions.

Now I do know that peace is being okay with out them.

I’m nonetheless somebody who can learn the room just a little too effectively. I nonetheless sense when vitality shifts, when folks draw back, when one thing is off… even when nobody says it out loud.

I used to hold all of that inside me. Replaying conversations. Overanalysing messages. Taking silence personally. Considering I’d performed one thing improper if somebody responded with out an emoji.

However now, I take a breath. I remind myself: If it’s mine, I received’t have to chase it.

If somebody has one thing to say, they are going to, if I matter to them.

And in the event that they don’t… that’s on them. Not me.

Silence and the uncertainty used to terrify me. It might make my complete physique shake, not understanding what was behind it.

Now they present me the place folks stand.

That shift… from seeing the unknown as a risk to trusting it as a path… has modified all the pieces.

I used to get up fearing uncertainty. Now I get up excited for it.

Curiosity was a approach to really feel secure. Now it’s a method to connect with life and other people. I ask, observe and need to know to not survive however as a result of I care.

Even after I do not know what the day holds.

And that pleasure I get up feeling each single morning?

It’s not for no cause in spite of everything.

It’s as a result of I belief the universe wholeheartedly. And thru that, I lastly belief myself greater than I trusted anybody. And I belief life.

Not as a result of it at all times provides me what I need… however as a result of I now know, deep in my coronary heart, that I can deal with no matter it brings.

And that what it brings… is what’s meant for me.

Till now, most of it got here for a lesson. However now?

Now, I imagine it’s coming as a result of it’s proper.

Typically, I really feel most myself in moments that used to scare me… within the silence, within the pauses, within the days with out a plan, when moods are shifting round me. I really feel grounded and at peace inside myself.

Not at all times, typically I spiral. I nonetheless get scorching or dizzy or really feel reactive.

However now, I understand how to manage. I remind myself that I’m secure… and nothing exterior can change that.

Possibly that’s what peace truly is:

Feeling all the pieces, however needing nothing.

So no, I don’t know precisely what’s coming.

I don’t know what the subsequent 12 months will deliver, particularly with the brand new age approaching.

However I’ve stopped chasing what feels proper within the second.

For a very long time, I targeted on what I wished now… the want, the necessity, the particular person, the plan. I assumed readability got here from naming it, claiming it, and getting it.

However not too long ago, only a few weeks in the past… sure, it took me that lengthy… I realised that true peace isn’t about fulfilling a gift need. It’s about trusting that the proper model of what I need… the one which’s aligned with who I’m and who I’m turning into… remains to be on its method.

Now it’s concerning the pleasure for what is supposed for me…

The sort that’s eternally, for nonetheless lengthy eternally is supposed to be.

And I’ll recognise it, not by how sure it feels, however by how peaceable I really feel round it.

That, proper now, is greater than sufficient to get up excited for.

As a result of I already really feel it. I really feel it in a method that makes it actual. Even when I do not know what I’m precisely excited for.

I’m simply excited for all of it.

The all and the nothing… as a result of I belief it.

I hope you possibly can too… regardless of the place you might be in life.

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This publish was beforehand printed on medium.com.

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Credit score picture: Sebastien Gabriel on Unsplash

The publish From Fearing the Unknown to Being Excited About It appeared first on The Good Males Mission.