Sure, it’s true—DOGE “doesn’t exist” anymore. However we’d by no means dream of letting it evaporate with out an exit interview. DOGE: It’s your flip to ship us a pointless, time-consuming electronic mail explaining what precisely it was that you simply did right here.
Expensive America,
The best way to start to recount our monumental achievements? By no means have so few achieved a lot to so many.
Just a few highlights …
We have been keen to be weak. Shared vulnerability brings folks collectively, and by that metric, tens of millions of People at the moment are nearer than after we began. What we try to say is, we uploaded Social Safety information to the cloud in a worrisomely insecure means, as one whistleblower famous. Now we’re all in danger!
We tried new issues. The Institute of Peace briefly turned a battlefield. (An thrilling pivot!)
We took dangers. Cuts to the U.S. Forest Service made our nationwide forests extra harmful and dirtier. We have now elevated the probability of devastating wildfires and likewise hacked away on the forces that combat them. What can we are saying? Some males love to observe the world burn, and we’re some males. We have now additionally made it simpler for hurricanes to sneak up on us, so as to add one other thrilling factor of hazard to the lives of common People. We have now lengthy felt that within the battle of Man versus Nature, Man had an unfair benefit.
We stored some issues constant. Most individuals would agree that authorities inefficiencies exist and that somebody ought to deal with them. And after DOGE, folks really feel that solely extra strongly. Earlier than DOGE, methods meant to serve tens of millions of individuals have been being run by a couple of harried workers utilizing outdated methods. And now, after DOGE, they’re being run by even fewereven extra harried workers on those self same outdated methods! The facility of DOGE: to alienate even Leland Dudek, a person who began out keen to ask drastic turn into the Social Safety Administration.
We turned issues round, scientifically. Because of our tireless efforts, we’re on observe to quickly be No. 2 in science on this planet! Individuals thought they wouldn’t see American scientific dominance destroyed of their lifetime, however that simply reveals their failure of creativeness. Have you ever seen U.S. scientists as of late? Those who haven’t already fled to Europe? Do you see how twitchy they’re? They don’t know in the event that they’ve acquired funding or not, as a result of we misinterpret their grant utility and thought that it had one thing to do with Woke; they don’t know if their labs will exist in a 12 months; they don’t know in the event that they’ll even have the ability to get into the buildings the place they work. That is by design. With out mad scientists, how can we ever hope to steer the world in manufacturing of Frankenstein Monsters, genetically reengineered T. rexesand moon-shrinking lasers? Our scientists at the moment are madder than they’ve ever been, and that’s completely because of DOGE.
We grew exponentially. We have now elevated waste and inefficiency to never-before-seen ranges! 5 hundred tons of lifesaving meals incinerated—at a value of hundreds of {dollars}.
We modified lives. We have now remodeled the lives of hundreds, within the sense that we’ve got made these lives needlessly and unforgivably shorter. Because of the shutdown of USAID, tons of of hundreds of individuals at the moment are lifeless.
We did one thing with billions of {dollars}! One of the best half was all of the financial savings. Have been there financial savings? Each time we introduced quite a lot of {dollars} that our efforts had saved, it turned out that that quantity was fallacious. This gave everybody the chance to do math. Which is sweet to observe, as a result of the Division of Training is gone now. A lot of it’s being rolled into Labor, streamlining the journey from cradle to meeting line—and hopefully rapidly, so we are able to make the most of these tiny fingers!
We created lawsuits! Don’t fear! Along with not saving cash, we additionally price folks cash. We did the whole lot in such a means as to multiply the variety of lawsuits at an astounding fee. Coping with lawsuits is an extremely environment friendly technique to spend taxpayer {dollars}, since you pay tens of millions of {dollars} and get … motions and counter-motions, one thing all People can use at house and far want to listeria-free lettuce.
Mission completed, I say! All the time signal when a workforce of innovators destroys billions of {dollars} of worth after which vanishes into skinny air! The Louvre burglars may study a factor or two.
So few folks, touching so many lives so profoundly. Subsequent time we’ll attempt to have a constructive impression.
